I was expanding, but the old ideologies were restrictive and causing me to contract... I was pushing up against them more and more, they were limiting me, holding me back, Something had to give.
This force, causing me to expand and push the self-imposed boundaries, my awareness, was getting stronger and it was not going to be contained any longer. I was feeling the call, stronger than ever, to change the way I showed up in the world, no longer conform to what did not resonate.
Can you relate? Are you feeling more pressure to make a changes in your life more aligned with your heart and inner wisdom? Are your buttons being pressed, nudging you to listen to your gut?
I was arriving at a choice point...
I could complain, play the victim, ask 'why is this happening to me?', think 'I wish things would go back to 'normal', force change or desperately cling to those things that were crumbling around me and try to reassemble them into something that felt safe and familiar OR I could show up differently, I could embody new ways of being, ways that have been calling me for some time, ways that felt so familiar, yet lost in the distance - connecting with mother nature and her wisdom, infusing life with ritual and ceremony, exploring plant medicines, rites of passage and the ways of our ancestors - as these thoughts bubble away inside of me, the yearning to remember and bring back the ancient wisdom gains strength and momentum.
"My growth came when I realized I don't have to experience life the way I was told to." ~ Unknown
I was ready to be unapologetically me, all of me, embody it all, walking in integrity no matter what... I made the decision to show up authentically every day, regardless of public opinion, and that's when the purging happened... naturally everything that no longer aligned could not co-exist.
The dark night of the soul
For so long I could go about my life freely, not really having to disclose anything that I believed in, so much of how we were told to live felt inverted, but I never had to justify it my beliefs... then 2020 happened... 2020 for me was the year of twenty twenty vision, and with clarity of vision I had to act, I could not turn a blind eye.
As I actively started to take personal responsibility for my experience, consciously choosing what I would allow and what was unacceptable, I become more vulnerable and more exposed to others around me, they could see all of me, I had been cracked open! I was raw, I felt lost, yet deep within me I knew there was no other way. I had to move through it, I had to feel the emotions, I needed to have this experience, suppressing it was only delaying the inevitable and harder lessons would surely come if I did not answer the call.
For years prior, I was aware, open and curious about everything and anything, but in 2020 the switch flicked and there was no turning back, when you know, you know and you don't seek any external clarification.
In a world where everyone wants proof, this way of being can be challenging. At times it was exhausting, expending so much energy trying to conform to things not in alignment with my truth, or the alternative, feeling like you need to justify every word you speak and every action you take because it is the polar opposite of accepted thought, speech and behavior, but the more I grew the more I needed to break free, contraction was not an option.
It was dark, some would say it's the dark night of the soul, as everything that served as a solid foundation for so long starts to crumble, everything that no longer resonates can't exist. At first it felt like panic, disbelief, frustration, resentment. What can I do? What's wrong with me? How can I effect change? What is the way forward?
You are not alone, many have walked this path before and many will follow, it is painful, yes, but oh so liberating, we are being rebirthed.
As I went from one extreme to the other I kept coming back to center, bringing my awareness and attention back to the life I wanted to live, the life that I have the power to create. I needed to have faith and let go of everything I had ever known and trust that the yearning in my heart, of new ways of being, was not a fairy tale but a reality just waiting to manifest as my day to day life, It just needed me to say yes, to believe and to act.
Starting out, with so much uncertainty, I felt like I was jumping from stepping stone to stepping stone, popping my toe on each rock to make sure it was stable before taking the next step, and slowly I am making my way to solid ground, the future is becoming clearer.
As I look around I see many clutching at the crumbling rock face trying to hold it all together, trying to reconstruct that which has fallen away, it's a mad scramble that can feel like a hopeless situation and it is oh... so... tiring...
Unless... we change our perspective, Can we embody our truth? Does your heart actually yearn for change but the fear of the unknown is holding you back? What if it could be better? What if the life you crave is calling you to build it... Is it possible that the lessons will get harder and harder until you surrender and allow the falling away to occur... and while this falling away, this destruction, can seem like chaos, isn't it also necessary to create new ways of being?
The future is bright
What this showed me is we are the ones we have been waiting for, by embodying who we truly are, we shine our light from within and attract everything that resonates with us - new friends come in, new teachers show up, new opportunities present - it's like a big welcome party where you are the guest of honor, you enter the room and everyone is so happy you showed up. When you are holding back, playing small or concealing your unique talents you will never align with all the gifts you are meant to receive and experiences to be had earthy existence.
"A new world is not only possible, she is on her way and on a quiet day I can hear her breathing." - Arundhati Roy
The things that are ready to be released have run their course, served their purpose and while we may experience some grief, which is natural after a loss, I believe it will be replaced by many things, far more superior, more innovative and this is exciting. I remember contemplating this a few years ago in a blog post "Do you see the darkness or the dawn?", in my opinion, we are not going back to what we had, however, we can consciously create something better if we can hold the vision of a better world in our minds eye and then take practical steps towards it.
I have found it liberating to focus on what I want, pour my energy into that, so many new ways of being now solidifying into my reality, literally anything is possible, we don't have to do anything the way we have always done it, everything is up for review... new ways to support others and ourselves, new ways to nourish our bodies and minds, new was to learn and grow, and new ways to heal.
With every hurdle I encountered, the more I realized I could not FORCE the change, I must BE the change, embody, lead, inspire - pioneer the new way, carve it out, show others how it can be done.
Let the things fall away that have served their purpose (even if it's scary) and get busy on all the things on your heart.
Does this resonate with you and anything you are experiencing? What has helped you navigate these times?
For me, taking personal responsibility for all areas of my life, building community, working towards self-sufficiency, simplifying life and reconnecting with the skills our grandparents had has enriched our lives.
Live Wisely, Abbie x
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